Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
