just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
