all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
