So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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