I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
