Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
