im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
