Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
