I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
