This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
