Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
