Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
