I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
We just shotgunned beers for America
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
