u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
