i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
