I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
