I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
