saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
