Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
