using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
