some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
