I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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