i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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