I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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