you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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