About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
