You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
