actually, I'm a sock model
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
