why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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