his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
