You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
