I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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