remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
