U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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