If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
