eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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