Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
