I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
