Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
