Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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