I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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