In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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