Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
