Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
