Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
