This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Randomize
