My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Randomize
