I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
We got so high we made milksteak
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
