My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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