You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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