How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
