OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
no, he came in my armpit
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
