Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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