You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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