She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Randomize
