I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
