remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
