i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
