i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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