At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I think people are normalizing furries
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
