take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
