chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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